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Harper says “Canada won’t stand on the sidelines”

Blog posts reflect the views of their authors.
Harper says “Canada won’t stand on the sidelines”

We’ve been missing out on a really awesome war since the 2003 US invasion of Iraq. Canada wants in.

OTTAWA — No decision has been made at this point, but Prime Minister Stephen Harper left little doubt Tuesday that the House of Commons will soon be called upon to approve a proposal to go to war against the Islamic State of Iraq.

“Canada had very little direct involvement in the conditions on the ground that gave rise to Islamic extremism in Iraq,” lamented Stephen Harper. “Thanks to Liberal inaction back in 2003, we’ve been leaving the United States to do all the heavy lifting on its own, bombing, torturing, funding Shia death squads and whatnot. This situation is about to change. Canada won’t stand on the sidelines anymore.”

A request from the U.S. for Canada to step up its involvement in the military campaign against rapidly expanding ISIS forces, which are quickly swallowing territory in Iraq and Syria, has the Prime Minister fanning the flames of war.

“Sure, we helped destabilize Libya with a massive bombing campaign and then flooded it with heavy weapons that have now found their way into the hands of ISIS militants,” the Prime Minister admitted, “but Canada can and will do more.”

The Prime Minister boasted in the Commons Tuesday, “Through our direct involvement in the war in Iraq and Syria, Canada will finally be making a positive contribution to the chaotic clusterfuck of extremism in an oil-rich region that is important to the strategic interests of my good friends in the oil industry.”

* Author’s note: This article is satire, but pretty close to the truth when you think about it.

David Bernans is a Québec-based writer and translator. Follow him on twitter @dbernans.

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