“Taking responsibility means recognizing that what we did over the last year wasn’t good enough,” said Trudeau. “We made the mistake of getting caught and the Ethics Commissioner wrote a report detailing the whole thing. We can do better next time.”

No apology

“Also, I can’t apologize for standing up for Canadian jobs. Why do people keep asking me to apologize for standing up for Canadian jobs? I just don’t get it. Stop asking, okay? It’s never going to happen.”

Commissioner’s report details high-level corporate corruption

The Ethics Commissioner’s report mentions meetings between Finance Minister Bill Morneau and then-SNC-Lavalin CEO Neil Bruce, during the 2018 World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, where the ground was laid for changing the rules for corporations facing criminal corruption charges. The Liberal government’s 2018 budget bill did just that, making SNC-Lavalin eligible for a deferred prosecution agreement on charges of corruption it already faced.

According to Morneau, meeting with leaders of corporations facing criminal charges at an exclusive retreat in Switzerland to retroactively change the rules of the criminal prosecution game is all part of the Liberal agenda of standing up for the little guy, “In my role as finance minister I will always be advocating on behalf of Canadians, on behalf of Canadians' jobs, on behalf of pensioners,” Morneau told reporters on Thursday.

* Author’s note: This article is satire. Trudeau never said half the things attributed to him in this article. Can you guess which half?

David Bernans is a Québec-based writer and translator. Follow him on twitter @dbernans.