Harper Conservatives Vow to Protect Free Speech with “Minor Exceptions”*

“We stand with our allies and against the jihadis” said Public Safety Minister Steven Blaney. “We support freedom of speech. Je suis Charlie. That’s why we’re moving forward with our anti-terror legislation.”

Opposition figures have argued that civil-liberty-curtailing anti-terror legislation will actually limit the free speech Harper’s Conservative government claims to support.

“That’s a load of liberal bunk,” claimed Mr. Blaney. “We will only be limiting the free speech that we don’t support… like free speech for Islamic terrorists, and people like that.”

A partial list of people whose free speech will not be protected has been provided by the Department of Public Safety. The Minister said the list amounts to a few “minor exceptions” to his government’s commitment to freedom of speech “in a broader sense.”

Some People Whose Freedom of Speech Will Be Limited Under the Harper Government

Islamic extremists

Climate scientists

Palestinian human rights activists

Parliamentary pages

Parliamentary budget officers

Environmentalists (or other foreign radicals)

Sociologists

Charitable organizations deemed to be too political (such as PEN, a writers’ freedom organization)

Statisticians

Nuclear safety watchdog commission presidents

Elections Canada officials

Foreign service officers (especially if they have anything to say about torture of detainees)

 

David Bernans is a Québec-based writer and translator. He is the author of Collateral Murder. Follow him on twitter @dbernans.

 

* Note from the author: This article is satire, although not really that far from the truth when you think about it.